The Whore Of Portland

I understand why successful people often don't go back to their hometowns.

It's because they are hated for their talents, fame, and success by the folks left behind to suffer and live out their lives in anonymity and agony.

That's certainly the way it is here in Maine for all the people who've made it out.

No one moves to Maine, they only move from Maine. And that builds on itself over years and generations.

Did you know that Wayne Gretzky was despised by the "good" folks in Brantford, Ontario? You do all know that LeBron is hated by northeast Ohio, but do you know why? It's because he made it out. Same thing with Larry Bird in French Lick. Same thing with just about every success story in American history. Look it up.

I can't wait to get the fuck out of this dump. Wouldn't you?

just kiddin'

Dear Johnny Wall:

Brandon's already better. And cheaper

The Cs are coming for you

(Don't shoot me)

NBA Players: Tell Your Shot Coaches To Fuck Themselves!

Free throws?

Stop staring at the rim. It ain't going anywhere. Visualize? Fuck that.

Walk to the line, looking down. Receive ball from Mr. Referee. Bounce the ball once, strong. Cock and look at rim. Backrim that bastard. Repeat.

Arc? Fuck arc. Visualize? Fuck visualize.

Get the ball. Bounce it once. Cock it. Backrim it.

Screw The Masters

The NFL labor deal was held up because the owners wanted, according to the media, an 18 game schedule. Why not, instead, add one or two more bye weeks? And move the schedule around accordingly. The Super Bowl can be played whenever. The second week in February, the third week, who cares? That would affect the entire spring sports schedule, but the NFL is king. Why didn't they just add a bye week or two and increase TV revenue that way? I don't know, either.

Hey Westbrook...

...You Stink!

Eric Maynor is better'n you already. Take a seat, enjoy the season, and count your fucking money, you selfish pussy

The Arc of Basketball

1890s - The game invented by a Canadian teacher

1920s - Harlem Rens are best team in world. Game expanding by the month

1950s - In the basketball heart of America, New York City, betting scandals hit the game hard and cause CCNY and NYU, two of the powers of the era, to drop major college ball. There is no professional basketball, basically

1960s- The Celtics and UCLA Bruins run the show. America sends a bunch of college kids to the Olympics and they toy with the competition. The dunk is outlawed by the NCAA because darkies are ruining the game

1970s - the beginning of the Golden Era of the Beautiful Game. Knicks. Kareem. Walton. David Thompson. The ABA gets big, as do fros. (the 3 pointer gains traction), The Russkies cheat America out of a gold medal, but the closeness of the game shows us that the game is getting bigger and bigger overseas

1980s - The heart of the Golden Era. Every team in the NBA can really, really play the game. MJ, Hakeem, Magic, Larry all become legends. Monday nights at the end of March Madness come down to the wire every year. Georgetown is the coolest basketball school in the NCAA

1990s - Pat Riley introduces a physical, over coached, slowdown style to New York City. His philosophy expands outward to the rest of the country. The 3 pointer becomes a more prominent part of the game at the NBA level

2000s - The downward spiral begins, caused by:

1) AAU "coaches"
2) the rise of the 3 pointer as the primary offensive weapon
3) outdoor courts become unplayable across America because of double rims and drainage crowns, causing poor kids, the lifeblood of the game for its entire history (Jews, blacks, etc), to stop playing
4) the rise of the swat-block
5) the expansion of overcoached, slow down style of play as popularized by the Riley Knicks

We get out asses kicked at pretty much every international tournament, not just because they're better, but because we're worse. You doubt me? Watch game film of the 70s and 80s on NBAtv (if they ever decide to show any) and tell me that wasn't a better game. Up and down, midrange, fastbreak, catch and shoots, pretty jumpers, less coaching and more playing.

2015 - The game returns to greatness, as perfect outdoor courts are reintroduced, AAU "coaches" are regulated by a national organization of high school, college, and professional people who love the game, the swat block is laughed at instead of celebrated, a de-emphasis on the 3 takes hold in coaching circles causing scoring and shooting percentages to rise, all of which lead to a rise in national and global fan interest

The VERY White All-NBA Club

owner - Cuban

arena - pick one

name - Utah Jazz....no, taken....Kentucky Colonels...no, used already....ok, the Boston Beaneaters

GM - Donnie Nelson

assistant - Jeff Van Gundy

coach - George Karl

announcer - Mike Gorman

"color" man - Raftery

5 - Shawn fucking Bradley (...what?....who cares?)

4 - Birdman

3 - Gordon Heyward

2 - Koponovitch

1 and captain - Steve Blake

Chauncey Billups? Heavens to Betsy! What about Coach Kim Mulkey?

It's not a question of IF

It's a question of WHEN Coach Kim will be inducted into Naismith Hall of Fame, located about 3 hours from Apt404

That's the truth

Stuff I Saw On TV Yesterday

Chauncey Billups is a Hall of Famer. Nice trade, Pitino

Monta Ellis, Steph Curry, and the rook are a really good threesome at guard for "coach" Jackson. Gotta get Klay on the floor. Can he guard 3s? They need to find out because Thompson might be able to play. He was born for this

Where's Cheryl? Where's Cheryl?

Jeff VG must be jealous that Chrissie killed it last night. You might have to get a real job soon, Coach

Hack-A-Dre was really, really funny. Really, really funny. Why so serious, guys? Mark was just playing AND showing his team who's boss. Lighten up guys. It was fucking funny. YOU'RE ON TV! Have fun!

Why did Kobe not shoot his elbow jumper last night at the end? Why? Wrist pain make him lose confidence in his 12 footer? I don't know, but that was strange. Could be a REALLY tough year for LA. Kobe is one of the ....say.....5 best players ever. And last season may have been the very last time we see him at full strength. For real

The Matrix? The Matrix Revolutions is more like it. Tired and played out, man

The Knicks have no guards. And Baron Davis is no sure bet to work hard enough to get in game shape. But if he does, they're better than the Celtics, no question

Al Swearenger on the Rise of the Swat-Block

That fucking black boy Chris fuckin' Webber started that bullshit 20 years ago, fer chris' sakes. Shit, mutherfucker.... Cocksucker! Do these boys not watch game tape and see that when you swat-block the fuckin' ball out of bounds the other team scores 50% of the' time anyway? It's a fucking waste o' my time and theirs. Fucking black people piss the shit out of Al Swearenger! Mutherfuckers!

Same Ol' Clippers

Blake Griffin celebrates the trade of half a dozen "teammates?" Same Old Clippers.

I can see it now: Paul and Billups fighting over who does the bulk of the ballhandling. Griffin and Jordan not getting back in transition. Griffin not adding anything new to his fucking game over the break. Someone getting hurt.

This is a talented team. This is a team that will have a ten game winning streak. This is a team that'll have several losing streaks sure to test everyone on the club. And the Clippers are not exactly good under pressure historically.

40 wins. First round exit.

Prove me wrong.

//////////////////////

Edit at 914am: Chris Paul is in great shape and taking charge. Will the trade work out? No one knows, but I don't get to watch Paul enough. He was damn impressive last night. The Clippers might just contend.

Can you imagine the parade that cheapskate would run? Through Disneyland (world?). Three miles. In cabs. With the meters running.

Merry Christmas, Guys and Gals

To all the men and women overseas and, certainly here in the States, please have a Merry Christmas. Or at least not a miserable one. I'll try, too

To my girl: I love you and always will

To Washington, DC: What you do today and tomorrow and in 2012 matters

To all the "fathers of the year" out there: Don't think I'm not coming to get ya. Watch the fuck out, shitheads

To all the women in the world: You are what makes my life worth living

//////////////////

I did. Did you?

Denver Loses Big

Throw. It. To. The. Broncos. Timmy. He can't help you otherwise

Believe. Or Not.

Week 1: the Bills

Week 2: Off

Week 3: the Raiders, at home, in the snow (?). Another loss will surely kill off that fucker Davis

Week 4: the ex-Browns. Bring it

Week 5: Off

Week 6: Who knows? Madonna is gonna put on a show at the half. Jealous?

//////////////////////

Lose any one of the six and the season is over, boys

Fish vs Pats - 1pm

Now this is a big game

////////////////////////

Who coaches the Fish now? I have no idea. It's a mess, I know that. And it starts with the drafting of QBs. Tough thing to do. We got lucky, they didn't multiple times. That's the breaks

I am sick and tired of Vince dogging it out there. Get the fucking ball into the fucking end zone or grab some fucking bench, slacker. You think your U rep will last forever? Do you know what the U's record was this year? The U is over. Long live The New U!

What is the line? I imagine the Pats by 13? Makes sense. But the Dolphins are on scholarship, too. So watch out

Ridley needs a big day. He is fresh and needs 15 touches. No weather today, so that's....bad? Good? The Fins are in for a long day either way, but the Pats have NEVER lost a weather game in the team's history

Make it a good one, Tom. You know why

Where's Deion been the second half of the season? Fuck injuries, man

Gronk and Aaron: Better combination of TE's in the history of football?

I'm getting excited for the draft

Five wins away from History

B's Beatdown of Deneen's Pussies

8-0. Coulda been 18-0, but them Bs is nice to the sadsacks of the league

//////////////////////////

Florida's Panthers: One of the Original 32 (34? 30?)

Bout time, Kraut

Did. You. See. That. Goal. by Frenchie? Muther of God/god, that was incredible

Did Shawn ever get his ass kicked. Way to earn your $4M!

Greg Campbell scored a goal? Musta been a half goal (that's a real thing. or should be.)

"The 500 Pound Line" did some damage, eh? (mostly in the 3rd, but still)

Let The Celebration Begin!

Goodbye Andrew Luck....Hello Ryan Leaf

Here's What Kris Humphries Can Do With His "$8" Million Dollars

1) 8 months rent in Jersey City @ $2,500 = $20K

2) personal chef for Tuesday brunch = $100 bucks. Groceries $35

3) Domino's on speed dial three nights a week, plus tip = $75

4) Taxes = $4 million

5) Alimony to Kris Jenner = $1.5 M

Kris don't read no fine print

6) Netflix Premium = $150

7) Wendy's drive through six times a week = $125. Plus tip of nothing = $125

Jus' make sure they don't spit on the food, Kris. They always fuck you on the drive through

8) Engagement ring for next ceremony = $3,000 at Zayles

8) Sneakers Budget = $250 per, 3 per week, 8 months in Jersey = $25,000

9) Clothes Budget = whenever PacSun has a sale, $2.000 per trip, 2 trips per month, 8 months = $32K

10) Adderall. 1,000 mg pill, $15 per, 2X day, 7 days a week, 8 months = $7.5K

11) Child Support = Nada

12) All Star Break Vacation in the Catskills with Knicks cheerleader = $5K

13) Agent Fee on "$8M" K? = $300K

14) NBA Pension Contribution = $75K

15) Build recording studio to record soundtrack for "Space Jam 2 The ReMix" = $1.75 M

16) Open "Kris's Hump Dump Restaurant and Carwash" in downtown Newark. Startup costs, legal, licensing, hiring = $275,000

17) Legal on closing of "Kris's Hump Dump" 6 weeks later = $50K

18) To Savings Account = $10,000

19) Groceries? Take that meal per diem and spend it at Whole Foods, mutherfucker

20) Utils? Are you kidding me? Would they dare cut off cable to a famous person like Kris fucking Humphries? No, they wouldn't

21) Health Insurance = Don't get sick, kid

22) Life Insurance? You're joking, right? Kris' is part black

23) Date Night = Nada

====================

Phi Slamma Jamma Two

Coach Cal looks a lot like Guy Lewis. Yeah.

Anthony reminds me of Hakeem, sophomore year. He is getting better every minute of every day.

Terrence and MKG are Clyde. Drexler used to jump OVER guys for dunks. Let's see you do that, men!

Mr. Mean? Vargas? Mr. Mean could play, though.

Michael Young? Lamb and Miller. They play just like the future Celtics first rounder. I thought Young was gonna be a star in the NBA. He was not, but that doesn't mean he wasn't bad in college.

Reid Gettys? Doug. Gettys was credited with assists for holding the locker room door open. Doug?

Benny Anders? Please, Lord, let Coach Cal NOT have a freaking Benny Anders on his bench.

and the piece de resistance...

Alvin Franklin and Marquis. They look alike, but I hope Marquis can shoot free throws.

//////////////////

The Cougs were the most fun, most interesting, most star crossed team in the history of college hoops. Or close to it.

Lead Follow Or Get Out Of The Fucking Way

Who would you rather be behind?

1) "Follow me, shitheads. I don't know where we're going, but we'll figure it out"

or

2) "I am powerless over the do nothing Congress. I'll just shoot hoops for two hours a day"

////////////////////////////

I know

President Lincoln - Overrated

Is President Lincoln the single most overrated figure in the history of the United States? Yes.

Inept and meddlesome Commander In Chief (read up on his selection of Generals, starting with General McClellan), complete rascist, waffler on the freeing of African-Americans, married poorly, overrated intellect, subject of ridicule by his contemporaries, possessor of a face that inspired no faith in his leadership.

Tell me that's not true.

"Lady Bear: The Kim Mulkey Story" starring Reese Witherspoon

Now that's a movie!

///////////////////////////////////

Kim Mulkey grew up rough and tough in Louisiana in the 1970's. Too short, too slow, too skinny to play with the big boys, she won championships in high school and in college at Louisiana Tech as the pig tailed, tough as nails point guard America fell in love with. At the 1984 Olympics, she starred on the first US Olympic gold medalists in women's basketball. After her playing days, clueless, she fell into coaching. And fell hard. As an assistant at her alma mater, Kim rose through the ranks, eventually becoming La Tech's number one assistant. Heartbroken when she was passed over for the head coaching job, Coach Mulkey moved to the basketball backwaters of Baylor University in Waco, Texas. And won a national championship five years later. Now among the highest paid women's college basketball coaches in the country, Kim is known as a leader, teacher, motivator, winner, sister, daughter, and mom. Loved by her players, past and present, and her fellow coaches, Kim is living the American Dream every day of her life.

/////////////////////////////////////

Would you pay ten bucks to see that?

Yes, please

Movies Nic Cage Has In Development

1) "Steve Jobs - Assassin!"

2) "Ron Santo - Legless Cub Legend"

3) (with Hanks) - "Sacco and Vanzetti - The True Story"

4) "Mumbles Menino - Mayor For Life"

5) "Whitey and Billy - Gansta Rap" - with Dustin

6) "Reno 911 - 2 - Salt Lake City"

7) "Crabby! - Weekend Update with Norm McDonald"

8) "Eminem 2025 - Branson!"

9) "Nazi Hunter Newt"

10) "George C. Scott - Standup Comedian" - a short film

11) "The Jason Trawick Story - How I Bagged Her" - Mystery Science Theatre 2011 feature

12) "SNL Writer's Room Video Game League - Game On!"

The Next War

will be with Iran, if some people in this country have their way

don't think that the dead eyed politicians wouldn't trade 5,000 of you and you for an election

===============

a bomb in Iran? I don't give a shit

Pakistan, North Korea, and Israel all have the bomb. bfd

they're trying to scare you

"Rocky Mountain Hi"

link

=======================

"He was born in the summer of his 27th year
Comin' home to a place he'd never been before
He left yesterday behind him, you might say he was born again
You might say he found a key for every door"

=======================

You're 19, 22, 35,42...
You sleep with, fuck, and regret
You're broke
3 kids
You don't have a grand or $500 or whatever

=======================

You play M...

"It hurts when you see your friends turn their back on you dawg
When you ain't got nothing left but your word and your balls
When it ain't, that's the end, no laughs
No friends no girl(?)
Just the gin you drink till your car spin you think"

=======================

"When he first came to the mountains his life was far away
On the road and hangin' by a song
But the string's already broken and he doesn't really care
It keeps changin' fast and it don't last for long"

=======================

You have a Sister down South
A pill? To end this nightmare?
Hell, yeah
$200's better n a grand

========================

"But the Colorado rocky mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky
The shadow from the starlight is softer than a lullabye
Rocky mountain high"

========================

Package for you
Water, pill, wait, water, pill
Wait
Death?
Yes, a kind of
Without a doubt, a death
You hurt

========================

"He climbed cathedral mountains, he saw silver clouds below
He saw everything as far as you can see
And they say that he got crazy once and he tried to touch the sun
And he lost a friend but kept his memory
Now he walks in quiet solitude the forest and the streams
Seeking grace in every step he takes
His sight has turned inside himself to try and understand
The serenity of a clear blue mountain lake"

======================

My name is Jennie Linn
I live in Idaho

======================

"And the Colorado rocky mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky
You can talk to God and listen to the casual reply
Rocky mountain high"

======================

"Now his life is full of wonder but his heart still knows some fear
Of a simple thing he cannot comprehend
Why they try to tear the mountains down to bring in a couple more
More people, more scars upon the land"

======================

Do you hear me now?

======================

"And the Colorado rocky mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky
I know he'd be a poorer man if he never saw an eagle fly
Rocky mountain high
It's Colorado rocky mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky
Friends around the campfire and everybody's high
Rocky mountain high "

'Pent Template

Is it hard to follow all of this? Yeah, it is

So here's the four blogs I'm using now. I don't think there's any rhyme or reason to any of them, as far as what goes where

Truthfully, I really do live on the fourth floor of my building, at the end of the hallway, in the fourth apartment, of the Loring House here in Portland. But the rest of the apartments? Just shit I made up

===========

Apartment404.blogspot.com = Home base, as Larry David would say


aApartment405.blogspot.com = Right next door


Apartment406.blogspot.com = Two doors down. They don't mind if I play my music loud. At least, they've never complained. I'll fuck them up if they do, though. Just a warning

Apartment804.blogspot.com = For exercise sometimes I blog on the 8th floor

The Official Apartment 404 Fan Club Site = Exactly 0 members. But we're hopeful.


But wait, there's more (to come)...

Think About It

Tim Tebow and the Broncos are going to lose

Maybe not this week

Maybe not this season

But they will

And where will Tim's and your God/god be then?

Against you?

For the Raiders or the Bolts or whomever Timmy's team loses to?

The Law of Averages is a bitch

===========

Sunday we'll all be Mile High

I'm rooting just for a great game with no Krumrie's

===========

Prediction: Vince plays nickel, picks Tebow in the 1st quarter, runs ball back for a 6, Pats win big

What?

Tracey GOLD

She has a new show on the network of old fat broads: Lifetime! called "Starving Secrets." I'm gonna put it on The 'Pent 'Genda

A fascinating topic. We have literally no clue as to the cause or treatment of anorexia. No clue. Just lots of TLC, I guess. I don't know. Such pain. Such pain.

Women have it tough, man. Even the beautiful ones

FBI "Humor"

1) This guy is 300 pounds of shit in a 200 pound bag

2) Rectum? I barely touched him

3) We watch. You decide

4) FBI: Federal Bureau of Insight/Inside Stuff/Insubordination/Intuition/Incompetence/Inner Workings of the Human Body/Inna House/Inner Circle

5) We're not booing, we're whispering, "Joe...Joe...Joe"

6) Where's a cop when you really need her?

7) Someone should make a movie about dis guy

8) Party on, man

9) He's literally a giant

10) I hope he jerks off today. I hope he jerks off today. Oh boy, I hope he jerks off today

11) Watching the Readers

12) How many Seinfeld reruns can one man watch?

13) You know, that porn star is actually pretty hot

14) Sports again, hon?

15) Dancing With The Stars every night

16) She and Him?

17) Coldplay

18) He knows shit. He knows shit

19) The Federal Bureau of Investigation: Recruiting American's finest junior colleges for ten years

20) He's a pretty good dancer for a white boy who can't dance

21) Steve and MJ say "Hi"

22) Where's my Brit? Sleeping. As usual. I miss her

23) We'll have Paris for about 80 years

24) Way to go, MJ. You a'right

25) I love you guys, too

26) Brit says "Hi" to everyone as well. But she's dreaming of....

27) He has $20 in the bank. What a rich man

28) Rhythm Nation

29) I'm just a blogger. And a lot more. Fuck yeah, man. I mean, "dude"

30) Jealous?

31) Joe Brasco

32) She is nuts about me

33) I'm nuts about her

34) I sleep four hours, she sleeps twelve, so it balances out

35) Is she not the sexiest, sweetest, coolest, most awesomest woman on the planet? I mean seriously people. She is. She is

36) iJoe -- Ribbed for your pleasure

37) iBroe -- buy one now!

38) iBrit -- not for sale. but you can look. only Joe can touch

39) Did you hear something?

40) Pure Awesomeness!

41) The 'Pent: A Mansion on a tiny hill

42) When is the heat gonna go out again?

43) Is this love?

44) Whatever happened to all the great sitcoms? Or am I the only one wondering?

45) SSDI success story. There are some out there

46) Your federal tax dollars at work

47) That guy's got a tiny little dick

48) But when it gets excited, it a'right

49) Heads up!

50) Writer? Yes. Broke? Yes. Forever? Your choice, America

51) President Broe -- Vice President Taylor -- Speaker of the House -- KLG (Would you pipe down, Kathie? Ever?)

52) The White House in here

54) I love a good quote

55)

god interviews Michael Jackson

god: Hey...howz it goin'? I mean, like, what's happenin'? Sorry, I'm a bit nervous, MJ.

MJ: No problem, god. I get that a lot.

god: Ok, cool. I mean, good. I mean, yeah. First question: do you see dead people?

MJ: Not up here, no.

god: Ahah. Ok. Yeah, soooooo. I always wanted to know: why "Blanket"?

MJ: That's a secret.

god: Shit. I mean, damn. I mean, right, god. I mean, fuck, this is hard.

MJ: Relax, god. MJ is here and it's gonna be ok.

god: Whew. Thas a relief for a nigga. Fuck, we on now, MJ. Any regrets?

MJ: Overuse of steroids.

god: Others?

MJ: That I wasn't born rich.

god: Riiiiiiiight. Me, too, negro. Me, too. Alriyt, lemma ask MJ a serious question: You a good Dad in your time down there?

MJ: Yes, but you knew that.

god: Yes I did MJ. Yes I did.

MJ: The kids are doing great. Strong, cute, doggone smart. They're happy, and that's all a man wants for his kids. And is expected to provide.

god: Right. Right. Man, you ARE MJ. Any thoughts on Tim Tebow?

MJ: He's my brother.

god: That's funny. He's my son. So that means......

MJ: Stop right there, god. I gotta a lotta brothers. You know that.

god: Right. Rickey, Tito, Hendrix, a lotta of others I can't remember. Man, your parents sure lost their power a lot in the 60s.

MJ: We did. Indiana is ghetto, man. Ghetto.

god: Paris and the boys were on "Ellen" today. Did you get a chance to see it? She rocked.

MJ: Nope. Better things to do. I know my kids. They're just fine. I raised them right.

god: Thanks, MJ. I love you, too.

It's On, Dude

Are you Team Brit or Team Joe?

Or Team Broe?

Your vote counts

=============

Me? Just call me Jason

Maine High School Girls B-Ball: Forget Sarah Marshall

These girls can play!

I saw McCauly play Kennebunk last night. MacCauley is really, really good. Four D1 players, possibly more. MacAuley girls b-ball should be ranked, man. I don't know where and I don't know how high, but these young women can play with any high school girls team in America

McCaulee girls b-ball are well coached, play hard and as a team, and are a joy to watch

McDonald's Coulombe could really do some damage at BC. She plays a full game now, not just with timing but skill. She can be a 1,000 point scorer in the Big East. She's that good

Alexandra Clement may not get a full boat from Coach Mikalee, but she is D1. Plays a bit stiff to excel at that level at the point, but she is a worker. Watch out Joanie...

Olivia Smith is doing just fine

and Victoria Lux? One to watch

===============

SI Sportsman/Sportswoman of the Year Issue

Trish and Mike

Lots I didn't know in there

Fascinating

============

Peter King's '86 Bengals article? Those guys really are superheroes!

I never played a down and I'm in worse shape than these limpdicks. Unreal. Just unreal

They really are the toughest guys in the world. It's more of a weight thing in old and middle age than anything else, apparently. (note to Joe: lose 100 pounds)

The key, imo, is that the NFL stopped shooting guys up with hardcore painkillers in the early '80s. Saved a lot of wear and tear. Your body knows when to rest; listen to it.

Great stuff

============

Big Man Is Gone

Big Man Davis has been traded by Ainge

My favorite Celtic is gone

Paul Silas?

No Glen Davis

Fuck

Big Man was introduced to me at the '06 Final Four, when his Tigers got whupped by UCLA (back when the Bruins were good)

That LSU team was bad

Not as bad as the team that should have won it, but bad

Be thankful, Kid and Kids, that that jumper missed

Anyway...

Big Man was a second rounder, a flyer, an athlete in need of a chance

The Celtics organization gave it to him

And he fucking ran with it

Now he's rich, living in an athlete's paradise, playing with Not Bill Russell and some other dudes

Good luck, Big Man

You were special

(Is that dickhead and his kid gonna give you a chest bump? I smell lawsuit!)

Timmy is The Man

Tim Tebow? Loved him since he made that doggone speech after the Mississippi State loss. The boy is bad. Bad

And now he's the coolest story in sports since Dougie led the Bills to the playoffs. (Rob Johnson?) Absolutely, the damn coolest thing in sports since then

Good for Timmy and the great fans out in Denver. But jess between you and me, Denver, you ain't getting no rings this year

Those are reserved for Patriots

The Broncs will go 11-5 or so and possibly win a playoff game. One hell of a year for Tim, the Fox, and the rest of y'all

Who said miracles don't happen?

Believe

============

tick...tick...tick...

God/god is on Timmy's side

Are you?

The Walton Family Legacy

Is Walmart a nice place to shop?

I don't know. Every time I try to buy socks at the new one in Scarborough, I get lost because there are no signs anywhere telling me how to get into the damn parking lot or how to leave when I'm done

How often do you have to shop at the Scarborough Walmart before you figure out how to leave the fucking place?

"Walmart: We're Your Friends"

...

"What's for dinner tonight, hun?"

My Brit

Makes me feel so very good
She keeps me company when I'm down
When I'm up
And all the times in between

She's my baby, my woman
My love, my world
My savior

I never knew how alone I'd always been
Until she came into my life
And picked me up

Why So Many Males Are Gay

It's because they want to prove to themselves and the world that they are not. Follow this:

These gay males hookup with and marry a woman, get divorced, get married again, etc, each time having babies to prove that they aren't gay

These babies are genetically predisposed to be gay. And so on and so on

Thas' the truth

==============

A 100% heterosexual man only needs one woman and a couple of babies. They have nothing to prove

Thas' the truth

==============

What is the woman's role in all this?

A woman, all women, are genetically predisposed to reproduce and care for babies. Any man will do

Thas' the truth

==============

Why?...

...do you force your kids to work soccer?

...and why do they always quit when they're 12?


...did she pick me?


...do you bench?


...is keith still alive?


...did he shoot all of those people?


...is writing such hard work?

...is doing anything worthwhile such hard work?


...didn't any woman say "yes" until she did?


...are so many of the men in Hollywood gay?


...did they pick on me so much?


...am I the only one playing loud music on the road?


...is it that I can barely stand to look in the mirror?

Who The Fuck Are You?

Are you Sandusky?

Are you Paterno?

Are you the DA?

Are you McQueary?

Are you the boy?

Are you the wife?

Are you adopted?

Are you a player?

A coach?

A fan?

A bystander?

Air Baldwin

In flight flick? The one where Alex says, "I AM GOD!"

Flight attendants unis? Pretty skimpy. Pretty skimpy

12 drink minimum. No tipping

Fight with your girlfriend? Poor baby, Al. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll get something special for Christmas. Plenty of hot yoga instructors to choose from, we hear

Was Oprah on board? Or an imaginary Oprah? Or whatever the fuck that was about

Damon as pilot? I'd be pissed/pissed, too

"Why Me?"

You want to make a difference in my life?

Call your Congressperson and/or Senator and say...

"FREE JOE"

I deserve a life, too

Speak Up

It's not "Gay Equality", it's "Sex Equality"

rolls off the tongue a little better, I think

====================

It's not Jobs, it's Careers

I don't want a job. I want a career

====================

"What is fair?" is an awesome question with no answer, but worth thinking about.

And thinking about some more

====================

Tim Tebow is getting more awesome every week. He may even throw for 250 yards someday. Not soon, but someday

====================

Happy B-Days to:

Larry Joe Bird - Back rim, right, Larry? Never short, always too strong. Thank you

Eli Wallach - Stop squinting, Eli, we know you can act

Noam Chomsky - I have no idea what you're talking about, but please keep talking. It's important

We're here, too

We're everywhere

"Costanza"