The Fate of the Nation
March 10th. Staples Center. Pac 12 Men's Championship. UCLA vs Oregon State. It will be a war.
Ben vs Craig. City vs "Country". Good vs evil. Us vs Them. How many licks can we get in on Robinson before that dude from The O.C. with the "guns" breaks it up?
Both teams know that if they lose, there's no Big Dance. Scored tied at 66-66 with .6 seconds left. UCLA ball. Josh "305" Smith alley oops inbounds to Wear twins, who execute first "4 Handed Dunk" in basketball history to win it for Bruins. Celebrate! Ben dances across court. Pulls a Harbaugh on Craig. Craig gets mad, slaps Ben open palmed! Reggie sees this, comes down from the 4th row and tackles Craig. Get some, Reg! Gary Payton and A.C. Green come to Craig's defense, jump on Reg. Get some! Walton pulls his wheelchair away from handicapped seating, joins fray. Slowly. Runs wheels over Lonnie Shelton's big feet. Shelton and his fat ass son beat Walton, Beaver style. (Bill: ever read "Continental Drift"?)
Phil Knight runs around court with a happy look on his face. Oregon Duck mascot trampolines onto court, runs to Beaver mascot, offers her a beer. Pulls off headgear. Joey! Harrington. Oh. Shit. Back to the brawl. Kareem remains in stands, looking for Benson. Cheryl tries to interview Ben: "How's the fight going, coach?" Cancer Boy calls UCLA AD: "Can I have my job back now?"
Cue Rocky music. Lights pan to corner of arena, where a large, muscular black man strides confidently out of bowels of Staples. It's Barry! In a Creed outfit! Throwing $2 dollar bills to crowd as he is rowed onto court by some Fucking Dukies, Barry is here. All is swell. All is swell.
Thunderlips Obama will stop this slap and tickle fight if it's the last thing he ever does as President. Directs Secret Service to arrest Sam Gilbert for graft. (What?) Orders LAPD to stop fucking black guys over. Writes a balanced budget amendment as he is giving directions. Throws a haymaker to take out Pooh.
Cuba Gooding Jr. and Ice Cube enter fray. Jon turns to Vince in stands, "I've seen this movie before." Vince" Are they going to shoot one of us now?" Magic and Jamaal run out of midcourt entrance, pulling up underwear and pulling on their ts. "Did we miss it?" Penny yawns, has another bite of popcorn.
Barry steps to PA announcer, grabs mic. "We're all mutants. We're all deranged. We're all niggers. We're all micks. We're all getting our asses kicked by the Chinks and the dot heads. I'm on my 3rd chief of staff in 3 years. The world is fucked up, but it has always been that way. You think Lincoln looked that way because he was brave? No, he was terrified. So am I. So let's get back to work and get this country headed in the right direction again. Joe, can I have the keys?"
Ben vs Craig. City vs "Country". Good vs evil. Us vs Them. How many licks can we get in on Robinson before that dude from The O.C. with the "guns" breaks it up?
Both teams know that if they lose, there's no Big Dance. Scored tied at 66-66 with .6 seconds left. UCLA ball. Josh "305" Smith alley oops inbounds to Wear twins, who execute first "4 Handed Dunk" in basketball history to win it for Bruins. Celebrate! Ben dances across court. Pulls a Harbaugh on Craig. Craig gets mad, slaps Ben open palmed! Reggie sees this, comes down from the 4th row and tackles Craig. Get some, Reg! Gary Payton and A.C. Green come to Craig's defense, jump on Reg. Get some! Walton pulls his wheelchair away from handicapped seating, joins fray. Slowly. Runs wheels over Lonnie Shelton's big feet. Shelton and his fat ass son beat Walton, Beaver style. (Bill: ever read "Continental Drift"?)
Phil Knight runs around court with a happy look on his face. Oregon Duck mascot trampolines onto court, runs to Beaver mascot, offers her a beer. Pulls off headgear. Joey! Harrington. Oh. Shit. Back to the brawl. Kareem remains in stands, looking for Benson. Cheryl tries to interview Ben: "How's the fight going, coach?" Cancer Boy calls UCLA AD: "Can I have my job back now?"
Cue Rocky music. Lights pan to corner of arena, where a large, muscular black man strides confidently out of bowels of Staples. It's Barry! In a Creed outfit! Throwing $2 dollar bills to crowd as he is rowed onto court by some Fucking Dukies, Barry is here. All is swell. All is swell.
Thunderlips Obama will stop this slap and tickle fight if it's the last thing he ever does as President. Directs Secret Service to arrest Sam Gilbert for graft. (What?) Orders LAPD to stop fucking black guys over. Writes a balanced budget amendment as he is giving directions. Throws a haymaker to take out Pooh.
Cuba Gooding Jr. and Ice Cube enter fray. Jon turns to Vince in stands, "I've seen this movie before." Vince" Are they going to shoot one of us now?" Magic and Jamaal run out of midcourt entrance, pulling up underwear and pulling on their ts. "Did we miss it?" Penny yawns, has another bite of popcorn.
Barry steps to PA announcer, grabs mic. "We're all mutants. We're all deranged. We're all niggers. We're all micks. We're all getting our asses kicked by the Chinks and the dot heads. I'm on my 3rd chief of staff in 3 years. The world is fucked up, but it has always been that way. You think Lincoln looked that way because he was brave? No, he was terrified. So am I. So let's get back to work and get this country headed in the right direction again. Joe, can I have the keys?"
posted by joe sweeney at 9:12 PM
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