Full Bore Plus Dean
ESPN seems to have one Token Terrible on hand for college basketball season. Vitale has given way to one of my favorite players at IU under Coach Knight, Dan Dakich. He couldn't run, couldn't pass, couldn't jump, and can't announce (but he could play).
Here's the future of college basketball announcing at the nationwide leader...
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Jon Gruden - While teams stand at free throw line: "Don't just stand there, men. Hit somebody, you faggots! Are we on the air?"
Charlie Coles - No one has ever died while broadcasting a sporting event. Charlie, let's make history!
Matt Doherty - Reviewing the Clemson cheerleaders, "Nice bums! Faces? U-glee. But nice bums. Are we on the air?"
(Doherty will become the first color man to start a bench clearing brawl in D1. D2? Happens every week.)
Diana Taurasi - Queen Snark, she puts the itchy in bitchy. Good player, I guess, but not a communicator. How'd she graduate from a four year school? Oh, yeah. Storrs.
Rickey - "bleep bleep bleep check bleep bleep cash money bleep bleep"
Coach Smith - At the ESPYs, Coach Smith is given a lifetime achievement award by his good friend, Rick Barnes. Here's the speech:
"First off, thanks Coach Barnes. You're not as big a turd as I thought you were for the last 20 years. I appreciate your good works. Thanks to my former players and fellow coaches for making tonight necessary. I'll set you up with those promised no show jobs next week. I see my good friend, Coach John Wooden in the audience tonight. Hi Coach. Hows Nell? She died? When? No one told me that. Roy? Are you on this or not? Eddie?
Anyway, thanks to James and Walter and Phil and Eddie and Bill and Billy and Pat and Jeff and Buzz and Michael and Larry and John and Doug and Tommy and Mitch and Sam and Joe and Brad and Bobby and George and Mike and Al and Kenny and Dudley and Hubert and Vince and Antawn and Charlie and Bob and Eric and Derrick and Donald and JR and Jerry and Rasheed and the rest of my Carolina basketball family whom I'm too liquored up to remember . You've made my life a special one, for which I am grateful. And a special thanks to Chris Webber for not paying attention to Coach Fisher. You made my day. Now, a lot of you think I've caught a tough break. That might be true, but to spend those days, weeks, months, years with you has given me riches beyond what I could have ever dreamed of. When I was a boy the game of basketball was young. Now, I am old and dying, and I want to say to you all: Take care of my sport. It has been my life since I was a child and I love it with all my heart. It's your turn to take the reins."
Here's the future of college basketball announcing at the nationwide leader...
================
Jon Gruden - While teams stand at free throw line: "Don't just stand there, men. Hit somebody, you faggots! Are we on the air?"
Charlie Coles - No one has ever died while broadcasting a sporting event. Charlie, let's make history!
Matt Doherty - Reviewing the Clemson cheerleaders, "Nice bums! Faces? U-glee. But nice bums. Are we on the air?"
(Doherty will become the first color man to start a bench clearing brawl in D1. D2? Happens every week.)
Diana Taurasi - Queen Snark, she puts the itchy in bitchy. Good player, I guess, but not a communicator. How'd she graduate from a four year school? Oh, yeah. Storrs.
Rickey - "bleep bleep bleep check bleep bleep cash money bleep bleep"
Coach Smith - At the ESPYs, Coach Smith is given a lifetime achievement award by his good friend, Rick Barnes. Here's the speech:
"First off, thanks Coach Barnes. You're not as big a turd as I thought you were for the last 20 years. I appreciate your good works. Thanks to my former players and fellow coaches for making tonight necessary. I'll set you up with those promised no show jobs next week. I see my good friend, Coach John Wooden in the audience tonight. Hi Coach. Hows Nell? She died? When? No one told me that. Roy? Are you on this or not? Eddie?
Anyway, thanks to James and Walter and Phil and Eddie and Bill and Billy and Pat and Jeff and Buzz and Michael and Larry and John and Doug and Tommy and Mitch and Sam and Joe and Brad and Bobby and George and Mike and Al and Kenny and Dudley and Hubert and Vince and Antawn and Charlie and Bob and Eric and Derrick and Donald and JR and Jerry and Rasheed and the rest of my Carolina basketball family whom I'm too liquored up to remember . You've made my life a special one, for which I am grateful. And a special thanks to Chris Webber for not paying attention to Coach Fisher. You made my day. Now, a lot of you think I've caught a tough break. That might be true, but to spend those days, weeks, months, years with you has given me riches beyond what I could have ever dreamed of. When I was a boy the game of basketball was young. Now, I am old and dying, and I want to say to you all: Take care of my sport. It has been my life since I was a child and I love it with all my heart. It's your turn to take the reins."
posted by joe sweeney at 6:48 PM
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